she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize