genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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