Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
