WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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