I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
