My underwear smells like fireworks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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