i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
