ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
