i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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