I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
