I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
