Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I got her a Nickelback box set.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
ttyl tear gas
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize