We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
