Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
