Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
