Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize