I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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