and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
