we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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