I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
