Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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