Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
