I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
