Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
