New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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