Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize