Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
