Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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