Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
