had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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