I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
