I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
