I accidentally had phone sex last night
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
