He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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