fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I will die if light touches me.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize