if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
