I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
