In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
