I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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