I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
