I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
