I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
