my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
