a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
