i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I AM VODKA MAN
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
