I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
