im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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