70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
