Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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