Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize