I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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