well I can't set my house on fire every night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
