My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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