I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
