we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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