Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
lets start a swedish sibling band together
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Randomize
