Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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