sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
