Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
