Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
