Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
