I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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