Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
