I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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