Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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