I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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