He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
