Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
