he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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